I can`t sleep. Maybe it's because I have so much on my mind, maybe it's because my left leg is hurting so bad with no reason, maybe it's because I'm simply rested enough, I don't know. I don't even know really what to write about... I'm sad about my date with Robert... Well, not so sad as disappointed... But that's my own fault because I was expecting. I just need to learn how to expect less, that way I wont be as let down next time. I just want to listen to sad music. I'm scared to leave... I'm really really scared. I haven't admitted it to anyone, hardly even myself, but honestly I don't know if I'm ready... But if not now, when? I wish I could change my personality just slightly and make myself more confident in myself... And more socially aware. But I guess what better way to learn than practice? It's just I've never been away from family... I don't know how well I'll do, but it's worth a shot, of course.
I'm also annoyed with myself because my 8 day semi-fast really is becoming more like and 8 day not fast but hardly eat anything at all. I mean, I guess that's okay though, I'm not eating anything horrible, and it's so little anyway. And I wasn't too worried about this one anyway. So whatever I guess. I just want to be thinner so badly. I want to see progress... I know it's only been a short time, and it will come, I just wish it would happen sooner... I guess the more I stick to my plans the sooner I will see results. Fuck I wish I could sleep. I'm gonna see Daryl today and a little part inside of me thinks it's going to be the last time I see him... By choice. I know that sounds harsh or untrue or something, I know it's not like me... But I feel like our relationship is something that brings me down a lot. And there's this person that I so badly want to become and I have to make big changes to become here. Why can't I just live the life of the girls on 90210? Now that would be good. My leg hurts soo soo bad... I don't know why the hell!? but it's annoying as fuck. I know this is stupid but I wonder if Robert and I will get back together? I know it's really far fetched and that it's stupid for me to even wonder... But I do. Clayton acted like he talked with Robert and then he switched it around to he didn't and then he made it seem like he did again and when I asked he acted like I was crazy... I do wonder about that as well, but I mean what am I going to do about it anyway? I just need to get through the days and be positive because this is a really bad time for me to get depressed... I've felt pretty out of my head lately... I don't know how to explain it. It's like first of all I hardly have an apatite which is unlike me (but good) and I can hardly tell I've been eating so little... Maybe it's because my body has a lot of fat to live off. I'm thinking about working and when I get my first pay check... And how it's apparently going to be A LOT of money... But I'm gonna not let myself go on a shopping spree until I'm at GW1. which I think is 135 but I can't quite remember. I hope I sleep soon because I just know mom will be waking me up somewhat early today. I hope he check comes soon.... Like Monday even... Bleh. I'm getting tired finally. xx
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