8 day not fast?

I can`t sleep. Maybe it's because I have so much on my mind, maybe it's because my left leg is hurting so bad with no reason, maybe it's because I'm simply rested enough, I don't know. I don't even know really what to write about... I'm sad about my date with Robert... Well, not so sad as disappointed... But that's my own fault because I was expecting. I just need to learn how to expect less, that way I wont be as let down next time. I just want to listen to sad music. I'm scared to leave... I'm really really scared. I haven't admitted it to anyone, hardly even myself, but honestly I don't know if I'm ready... But if not now, when? I wish I could change my personality just slightly and make myself more confident in myself... And more socially aware. But I guess what better way to learn than practice? It's just I've never been away from family... I don't know how well I'll do, but it's worth a shot, of course.
I'm also annoyed with myself because my 8 day semi-fast really is becoming more like and 8 day not fast but hardly eat anything at all. I mean, I guess that's okay though, I'm not eating anything horrible, and it's so little anyway. And I wasn't too worried about this one anyway. So whatever I guess. I just want to be thinner so badly. I want to see progress... I know it's only been a short time, and it will come, I just wish it would happen sooner... I guess the more I stick to my plans the sooner I will see results. Fuck I wish I could sleep. I'm gonna see Daryl today and a little part inside of me thinks it's going to be the last time I see him... By choice. I know that sounds harsh or untrue or something, I know it's not like me... But I feel like our relationship is something that brings me down a lot. And there's this person that I so badly want to become and I have to make big changes to become here. Why can't I just live the life of the girls on 90210? Now that would be good. My leg hurts soo soo bad... I don't know why the hell!? but it's annoying as fuck. I know this is stupid but I wonder if Robert and I will get back together? I know it's really far fetched and that it's stupid for me to even wonder... But I do. Clayton acted like he talked with Robert and then he switched it around to he didn't and then he made it seem like he did again and when I asked he acted like I was crazy... I do wonder about that as well, but I mean what am I going to do about it anyway? I just need to get through the days and be positive because this is a really bad time for me to get depressed... I've felt pretty out of my head lately... I don't know how to explain it. It's like first of all I hardly have an apatite which is unlike me (but good) and I can hardly tell I've been eating so little... Maybe it's because my body has a lot of fat to live off. I'm thinking about working and when I get my first pay check... And how it's apparently going to be A LOT of money... But I'm gonna not let myself go on a shopping spree until I'm at GW1. which I think is 135 but I can't quite remember. I hope I sleep soon because I just know mom will be waking me up somewhat early today. I hope he check comes soon.... Like Monday even... Bleh. I'm getting tired finally. xx

The whole world is sleeping.

I'm really lost. I don't know what more to give anyone. Robert doesn't want me, I don't know how I deluded myself into thinking he would, it's done between us, he cares not at all about me.  Daryl doesn't like me, I irritate the hell out of him, I don't even have any idea why he sticks around. Clayton wants to disown me. I have no friends. I could say it's because I'm fat and ugly but really it's because my personality is so insignificant, so unsatisfying that no one cares enough to stick around. Losing weight will only help me look good on the outside, but there's nothing that's going to help me inside. I'm an idiot and a jerk. I can't wait to get out of this place... Ever since I moved here I've felt lost... Well, actually ever since I turned 13 I felt lost... I just need to get over it! I'm not special! I'll never be special!! I'll never be what Robert needs or what Daryl wants. I'll never be perfect in my own eyes, I'll never have a good body. But at least I can try, at least I can work, at least I have music, that's all I need. Music is all I'll ever need. 

Daryl is a liar. He's a lying cheating jerk. He never meant anything he said. He does not love me at all! Everything was just a big lie! I know what he wanted all along... I just found out I'm a total comfort eater. I mean now that I'm all worked up and upset over Dare I'm thinking of things I could eat.... But I wont give in. I already had 3 crackers and 3 bites of noodles. I'm already a cheater. I need to think about Robert... I mean I will be seeing him in less than 24 hours.... Hehe. So excited. SO nervous!!!! I downloaded a bunch of music today which obviously makes me feel a little better but I keep wondering if and what I should say to Daryl to make him want me... I just need to remember he DOES want me, I mean hello? It's not like he's going to get anyone as hot as me again :P
So I leave on Tuesday... That's only 5 days from now! And the Monday after that I'll probably be going to Fort Mac! Everything is happening so quickly... I just feel so overwhelmed and nervous.. I just need to keep my chin up. Pray that my moms cheque comes tomorrow! Gosh then everything would be okay. I'm going to miss her so much it's crazy, I will just feel so good making money and knowing I'm helping her again.

So... It's 2:20. I don't know what's going on... I mean I do.. I know that I'm not good enough I know that I'm never going to be thin enough. I need to try harder. I need to do better... I need to be thin and tight and perfect. otherwise no one will ever like me. No wonder Daryl doesn't really want to be with me! I'm so fat and ugly I look like I weight 300 lbs! Anytime I feel like eating I just need to pinch my fat. EWWW.

:O

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO ALBERTA ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED AND NERVOUS! XO

Mixed emotions!

I have a coffee date with Robert tomorrow. Not a real date, obviously... But a coffee thing...Together. I'm so nervous! I don't know what to wear or what the heck I'll say or do? I don't want to have any anxiety over it and I want to have things to talk about... No awkward silences... Should I burn him a CD? should I bring up the past? SHOULD I KISS HIM!? (jk) anyways, I'm excited, I'm nervous... I'm so HAPPY! I did not expect this to happen so quickly. Wow.

On another note today is day 2 of my 8 day fast. I have consumed one large cup a lemon green tea and lots of water. I'm gonna turn on my show and do some exercise pretty quick here. I'm not craving anything, I'm feeling good! x

Fasting: day 2

It's 2:00 and I'm feeling okay. Pablo's here which I will talk about later. I don't feel like eating and I'm going to have some tea... Daryl and I probably wont hang out because I guess he's busy. Mom called and it looks like I'll be leaving sooner than I thought... Hm, things are moving pretty quickly. I mean, even me and Robert are working on making plans now... I was not expecting that. I just need to stay calm and be prepared for whatever might happen, with this job, with Robert, with the courses I have to take... I mean maybe it will be a way to move past some social anxiety.... I'm excited but pretty nervous. Write soon. x

Just the quickest little update! Today went fairly well... Like I didn't indulge in the the fatty foods I normally do and I've been drinking so much water. I even managed to get a small work out in tonight while watching 90210. I did eat those chocolates and have a couple of bites of potato but that's it... And on the bright side the chocolates are gone so I can't eat anymore of them now! Hehe!! But seriously, tomorrow I wont put anything in my mouth unless it's tea or water. Even though I might see Daryl tomorrow and I know he'll want to drink... I'll try not to, I mean, what the point anyway? I wish I could come up with something... OH! We could go for a nice winter walk! ALONG PEACHLAND! :) That way I'm getting in some exercise and spending time with him! We could maybe get a little whiskey and coffee, I'd be o.k with that! One thing that kind of depressed me today is I took my first photos so I can see my progress along the way...And I look fatter than I thought... But I mean I am so ready to work my butt off (literally) for this! I'm going to be seeing results in no time, I just know it :)